Rambam on Love, Friendship and Marriage

Aseh lekha rav u’kneh lekha chaver

APPOINT FOR THYSELF A TEACHER AND ACQUIRE FOR THYSELF A COMPANION (Avos 1:6)

Why the change in verb from aseh, make or appoint a rav for yourself, to the verb kneh when it comes to acquire a chaver, a friend for yourself?

The Rambam in his Commentary on the Mishnah explains the difference in meaning based on the type of relationship.

A teacher is someone you can choose to learn from. There is no mutual giving required in the relationship. The teacher gives his lesson to the student. The student gives nothing in return to the teacher (except, perhaps, for the contractual payment of tuition). The personal aspect of the relationship is one way. The teacher gives and the student takes by learning his lesson.

Marital relationships can exist on two levels:
1. Friendship based on the physical relationship for mutual pleasure and mutual needs, such as, support for food, shelter and clothing.
2. Friendship and love based on trust – friendship between soul mates. A relationship in which the husband and wife can bare their soul, secrets and business affairs, both good and bad, without fear of harm or hurting the relationship. Love that is based on mutual caring and trust with common goals in life. One helps the other with their tasks. Their purpose is to give to the other rather than take from their partner in life.

Teacher-student relationships may also rise to a higher level of friendship where there is a mutual relationship in the sharing of ideas and knowledge to reach common goals and caring for each other personally.

The ultimate goal to strive for in love, friendship and marriage is mutual caring and respect for each other as you work towards common objectives in life.